I can’t talk to children. I just can’t. I don’t know what they want, and I can’t use sarcasm, which I’m pretty sure was my first language. I also have no idea how old they are. Baby through walking is the same age, and then once they are able to walk and talk coherently, I have no idea how old they are. That makes it even harder to talk to them, since I don’t know their education level or worldview. I don’t know if their parents want them talking to me, or what I should tell them. I can’t be funny because I’m too self conscious. Can I even say words like “dude?” These issues make me freeze when kids are around, so I usually slink back and let someone else talk to them.

I think this is mostly because I have no experience. I am an only child, and my parents are much older than their siblings, so my immediate cousins were always much older. Family reunions had me hanging around with older peope all the time. I occasionally played with kids my own age, but hardly with any that were significantly younger.

I never really started feeling awkward around them until I had an important, life-changing realization. I am an adult now. When I was still a teenager, I didn’t have responsibility, and kids around me had parents and could be ignored. When I was in college and grad school, there were just no kids. Now I’m an adult, and I have friends with kids. FRIENDS WITH KIDS! I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility. In fact, I’m declaring a moratorium on any more of my friends having kids as well as making friends with anyone who has kids! That is a kind of responsibility I can’t handle, and we can be friends when I have learned how to interact with children.

I know this may sound kind of harsh, but if you knew what kind of fright goes down my spine when I see an 8-year-old, you would understand. In fact, kids themselves are most certainly the scariest part of Halloween.